How to Help Your Child to Transition
I’d like to introduce you to another one of our experts – Kathy Whitham, parentingcoach and blogger. Kathy has been a supporter for many years and has used Bryan’s parenting approach to successfully help her parents move into a love based parenting paradigm using her unique style and gentle words of wisdom. Kathy lives and works in the Boston and surrounding area. Here she offers a strategy for helping your child in managing transitions that can be tweaked or revised to meet your parenting needs. Be prepared. Expect that your child will have difficulty – which you already know. Have a plan, work your plan in a “non-reacting” way. — Enjoy, David
“In order to begin to change your distressing “here we go again” scenario, a new understanding is required. Whatever you’re wanting your child to do – take a bath, come to dinner, do homework – it causes an increase in your child’s anxiety because it is a TRANSITION. Increased anxiety leads to increased negative behavior.”
coach and blogger. Kathy has been a supporter for many years and has used Bryan’s parenting approach to successfully help her parents move into a love based parenting paradigm using her unique style and gentle words of wisdom. Kathy lives and works in the Boston and surrounding area. Here she offers a strategy for helping your child in managing transitions that can be tweaked or revised to meet your parenting needs. Be prepared. Expect that your child will have difficulty – which you already know. Have a plan, work your plan in a “non-reacting” way. — Enjoy, DavidNext time you want your child to take a bath, brush teeth, do homework, eat dinner, or anything else that gives you that “here we go again” feeling, picture them on their own little “train” heading somewhere totally different than where you want them to go next.
How are you going to get them off the train (their activity) effectively with love?
I invite you to try this strategy in 10 simple steps:
- Give a 10 minute warning. In 10 minutes it’ll be time to _______. Please begin to finish what you’re doing. I’ll be back in 5 minutes.”
- Stop talking! If your child starts arguing, says, “No!” or ignores you, exhale a couple breaths and calmly walk away. You can say, “hmmm”, or “I hear you,” if you want, but DON’T ENGAGE! Don’t take the bait! Stop, Drop & Breathe.
- Set YOUR timer for 5 minutes.
- Return after 5 minutes and GET ON THE TRAIN* with your child. Join your child in their activity or just sit by them. After a pause say, “We have 5 more minutes together to finish doing (what your child is doing) _________ before (what you want your child to do next) _________. Breathe and be as present as you can for those 5 minutes.
- Set a visual timer for 5 minutes where you can both see it. I recommend Time Timer.
- PAUSE AND READ #4 AGAIN. I cannot emphasize enough (though I’m clearly trying) how profoundly different it is to BE with your child during a transition than to try to get your child off a moving train and onto your train!
- Talk less, breathe more and enjoy the next 5 minutes with your child like it’s the special time you’ve been longing for.
- Gently slow down the “train” in the last minute or so as you help your child complete their activity, if they need.
- Get off the train WITH your child when the timer goes off. “It’s time to ____________ now.
- Together, move toward the next activity. For a 3 year old you might scoop them up into a hug or a tickle. For an older child you might count steps to the kitchen, or engage them with a choice of 2 good options.
In order to begin to change your distressing “here we go again” scenario, a new understanding is required. Whatever you’re wanting your child to do – take a bath, come to dinner, do homework – causes an increase in your child’s anxiety because it is a TRANSITION. Increased anxiety leads to increased negative behavior.
Warmly in support,
Kathy Whitham
She is a Registered Nurse and a Behavior Parenting Coach who combines holistic heart-based parenting with leading edge brain science to help parents understand their child’s challenging behavior and then know what to do about it. She teaches parents how to speak the same language as their child – nurturing connection, building open, honest communication and restoring peace at home.
“I believe that children thrive when they feel safe, loved and are given a voice… no matter what their family looks like!”
As a mom of three, she knows first hand what it’s like to be a passionate parent, struggling with her children’s difficult behaviors. Despite her challenges, which have included single parenting and chronic illness, she has always had a fiery determination to be the best parent she can be! In her work as in her life, relationship comes first. From this, she believes, all else follows. Her work is deeply informed by Family Centered Regulatory Therapy based on the Stress Model of Bryan Post