Dear Bryan— I have several questions. What is the best prescription for a child who still has a lot of aggression? Because of what’s going on at school my son (11) still sees the world as a threat. We have been together seven years. I know he is attached to me. Before me, he was in the system for one year, two homes. I think he is really angry at his birth mom, thinks that he must be a bad boy if he was not good enough to have his birth mom taking care of him. He doesn’t know that he has three siblings who were removed a long time before him. Do you think a letter from his birth mother telling him that it is not his fault, that he has nothing to do with that, will help him?
How can I know if my son reacts only from an emotional place or rather that he cannot control his anger because of chemical unbalance and a pill could help? I am learning how to help him, by helping myself! I know for sure, now, that to be able to help a child, we have to help our self. The one doesn’t go without the other, and it is why it is so hard. I know the “push buttons” are necessary so we can grow!
I am by myself without any support (my family is so dysfunctional that it is better, anyway, that my son is far away from them!), but I was looking for some support and had a very hard time finding any. First I went to the health department (they should have professionals who know how to deal with our kids who come with trauma issues) but after years and years of therapy we didn’t progress too much! And then I found The Post Institute!
When I practiced the Stress Model, my son changed; the violence dropped from 100% to 3% and now I know when he is dysregulated it is often because I am dysregulated. So, no mystery. Now that I have found what I’m looking for—answers, real help, the why, the how, etc., —it is like magic.
Thank you. —FM
Hello, FM — Congratulations on your success with your son so far. You are already on track understanding that his aggression is based in his fear. There is no single best prescription for aggression; rather, it is a process of continually recognizing what his triggers are, processing with him his stress, and in the moment of his aggression always step back and perhaps squat down or sit down and reassure him that you will not hurt him or let anyone else hurt him. If he is prone to coming at you, get a pillow to absorb his shots, but always back away telling him you are not going to hurt him.
As for school, the best thing is to continually reinforce to the school he is very stress sensitive and fearful. If you can get them to begin really seeing him this way, their responses will change, as will some of the requests they may be making of him. If you want to provide me a specific example of his aggression I might be able to give you some more specific advice.
A letter from his birth mom would certainly help and if you believe this is a core feeling for him, it could help a great deal.
Always give him opportunities to process these feelings by simply asking him if he is feeling not okay or not worthy and just listen. Don’t counter with “but I love you,” etc. because that only invalidates what he is feeling. It’s hard to know specifically why a child is reacting but I can tell you he is always reacting from an emotional place, and long term fear always creates chemical imbalances. You can give meds a shot, but he is still really young; and don’t forget, meds are only masking the deeper core issue. It’s within the deeper core issue that the real healing must occur. Only you, time, and loving persistence will change that in any true and genuine manner.
Yes, every health department should have a trained professional familiar with these issues and able to give well informed advice. Perhaps in time we can apply for a grant of some sort to offer free education and resources for every health department in the U.S. Thank you for all of your support and effort. Keep up the great work. —B.
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