All Behavior That is Not Loving and Respectful Is ‘a Cry for Help’ by Patricia Clason

by Patricia Clason, Founder of The Center for Creative Living

There are several very important lessons I learned in my work in helping people through my personal and professional development programs and my own parenting that help me in ALL of my relationships.

Lesson #1 – A child is born innocent and loving, without intention for harm. The corollary to that is when they “act out” or misbehave, it means they have a need that is not being met and they know no other way to get it met (get your attention, be seen and heard, etc). As an infant, they make sound – crying or just sounds – to attempt to get a caregiver’s attention.

As they get older, they add other skills – talking, touching, etc. It helps me to remember that what is not kind and gentle is the child essentially saying – I have a need that I must meet, it’s critical to me, maybe even survival level, and I need your help. Where are you? Please help me?

Also important to remember is Lesson #2 – if they had the skills to communicate the need differently, they would do so. And that sometimes, if the fear is great, it over-rides the skills they do have and they just do whatever they feel they need to do to survive in that moment.

It also helps tremendously to remember Lesson #3 – it isn’t about me (given that I haven’t done anything to intentionally hurt or harm). It is about their fear, about their survival (physical or emotional). So it goes like this:

1. It’s not about me;
2. It’s not personal;
3. There’s an unmet need and fear here;
4. What is the need?

This question – what is the need? – is absolutely critical to moving forward in a peaceful way. Becoming interested and curious and willing to help engages the child’s attention.

Be forewarned though! If you are carrying anger or resentment, it will be easy to get hooked by the demanding misbehaviors of the child. That anger or resentment is looking for release and your emotional self will seize the opportunity, especially if you are in an un-resourceful state.

The anger or resentment we carry is usually because of a past experience of being violated or taken advantage of or hurt in some way, or simply a result of not taking care of one’s self (personal abandonment – not making sure we are meeting our own needs, not parenting our own inner child). The place to handle that anger is not in the relationship with a child or any other person. It is in therapy, Taking It Lightly (my own personal emotional healing intensive) or with a spiritual advisor.

As we move the anger through our awareness and into the light, we begin to see that the anger is a protection we are using to keep us safe. If we are angry enough, we feel less afraid as we think we are keeping the danger away with our anger.

And we come full circle to the awareness that anger of the child is not about us, it’s not personal to us (even when it seems that way) and become curious again to ask “What is the need that is not being met?” and now to ask it for ourselves as well as for the child.

To learn more about Patricia’s courses, therapeutic programs and coaching, contact:

Patricia Clason Coaching Associates Center for Creative Learning
(414) 374-5433 (800) 236-4692 Mailing address: 2437 N Booth St, Milwaukee, WI 53212 Conference Center: 1553 S 38 St, #300, Milwaukee WI 53215